Dating Someone With ADHD: How to Support Yourself and Your Relationships
We don’t choose who we love. And people with ADHD are as funny, kind, and lovable as others. Sometimes, seeing someone neurodivergent can feel even more exciting because they are so unusual and smart.
However, ADHD is a tricky condition that affects even the most sacred parts of the brain. That’s why partners with ADHD can sometimes leave us feeling deprioritized or redundant, when in reality they can love us with their whole hearts.
With the proper understanding, relationships with ADHD partners can be incredibly meaningful. Let’s explore what it feels like to date someone with ADHD and how to support each other even in the hardest times.
How Does It Feel to Date Someone With ADHD?
ADHD partners tend to love intensely — they’re enthusiastic, affectionate, spontaneous, deeply curious, and full of emotional energy. It’s good when this energy is directed towards you. But sometimes this energy gets shifted, leaving you confused. Here are the most common experiences people who have ADHD partners share online:
- Participating in their “Do I have ADHD?” tests. Sometimes, to get an official ADHD diagnosis, partners and family can be interviewed so that a mental health professional can get a full picture.
- Conversations change quickly. Has it ever happened to you when your significant other with ADHD symptoms was telling a story, but kept changing topics/stories because they were all essential to understand the initial story they were telling? It might be a sign of impulsivity.
- Repeating things a few times because they weren’t listening or zoned out. It can feel frustrating, especially if you share something deeply personal and your partner seems to overhear everything because they got distracted by the bug.
- Dealing with their poor organization. Tons of unfinished projects, half-done household chores, missed appointments. Partners with ADHD are not particularly neat, and it may upset you because you might feel like the only one responsible in the house.
- Listening to hurtful, impulsive things they blurt out. It’s one of the most underestimated things about dating someone with ADHD. Their impulsivity also shows up in hurtful words that they cannot hold back. It hurts, and that’s understandable.
- Dealing with their risky decisions and hobbies. Another side of how impulsivity shows up is reckless driving, shopping, substance use, and cheating. All the things that make you scared and worried for their well-being. It’s also common among ADHDers to have extreme hobbies, such as skydiving, parkour, riding BMX, etc.
- Emotional dysregulation also becomes your problem. Dating someone with ADHD means seeing them frustrated, heartbroken, confused, delighted, and being unable to do anything about it. People with ADHD have difficulties with regulating their emotions, and you, as an empathetic partner, can also live through those feelings with them.
- Their confusing, inconsistent decisions. Dating someone with ADHD can mean that when you come home, your partner randomly decides that you’re going whitewater rafting because “it seems fun.” Sometimes, it might feel like you play along with their games, and sometimes it becomes your responsibility to “tidy up” after your partner.
Are There Good Things About Dating Someone With ADHD?
Yes. While dating people with ADHD can introduce challenges, many partners describe the relationship as deeply meaningful, energizing, and emotionally rich. Because if you truly love a person, you love everything about them, including their unique behaviors, don’t you?
We went through internet forums and social media to find what exactly partners value about their neurodivergent significant others.
- They are empathetic. Emotional sensitivity also translates into heightened empathy, making many individuals with ADHD feel you more precisely.
- Partners with ADHD are very creative. Hundreds of thoughts swirl around the ADHD brain, and although hard to concentrate, this makes them innovative and not afraid of change. That’s why your house looks the best on Christmas, you get the most visionary gifts, and your partner’s style is invaluable.
- Playfulness that fuels relationships. Partners with ADHD are very playful and alive. They have a million ideas for how to spend evenings. You never get bored.
- ADHD partners are honest. Straightforwardness is actually a trait that others don’t really appreciate about ADHDers. However, such transparency is essential in long-term relationships.
This list can go on and on: loyalty, passion, openness, incredible memory of details, etc. But among all of these ADHD-related things, you’ll have something unique and special to love about your ADHDer. Maybe, even how they randomly lose the knowledge of tying shoelaces. In these moments, we realize how cute, sometimes weird, but adorable our partners are.
Why Does My Partner With ADHD Act Like This?
Besides all the good moments about dating someone with ADHD, you can’t help but wonder, “Why is my significant other like that?” Neurology and psychology have the answers for you.
- Executive functioning. It’s our ability to plan, organize, be aware of time, and even regulate emotions. Executive functioning literally rules our lives.
The majority of people with ADHD have Executive dysfunction, which makes them forget plans, lose track of conversations, forget birthdays, organize poorly, etc. No matter how hard they try, it’s the differences in their brain that make them act “carelessly.”
- Rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD). It’s a condition that often co-occurs with ADHD, and it means hypersensitivity to criticism or fights. That’s why when you even want to give helpful advice, your partner gets all defensive because in their heads you consider them dumb and unlovable.
- Hyperfocus. It’s a state of deep concentration that happens with ADHDers when a task brings them a lot of satisfaction. During hyperfocus, they may not notice you, what you say, or what’s going on around them.
That may make them look as if nothing else matters besides their project. Usually, it’s wrong. Usually, partner with ADHD truly want to be there for their partner, but the hyperfocus state is too addictive.
- Low dopamine baseline. The brain works differently in ADHDers, and it impacts their dopamine production, which is lower than average. Dating someone with ADHD means that your partner constantly seeks dopamine-producing stimulation: social media, snacks, shopping, impulsive decisions, etc.
A low dopamine baseline also makes it harder for your partner to initiate tasks, especially repetitive and boring ones, because they don’t “feel” a reward for doing them.
Important: Many ADHD behaviors can be explained and justified. The behavior of your partner may upset you, and multiple conversations you had may have changed nothing.
Remember that your partner with ADHD is also an adult who’s responsible for their life and well-being. You don’t have to be their caretaker, and they should also consider your feelings and needs. That’s how lovable, considerate relationships function: caring for each other.
Tips for Dating Someone With ADHD
You, as a person and a partner, also deserve care and to be seen. Here are some tips on how you can feel better in relationships with a person who has ADHD.
Avoid Becoming The Default “Household Manager”
Your partner with ADHD may indeed be messy and forgetful, so you naturally pick up household chores because you get it better. However, if you’re not okay with it, don’t just accept your fate.
Your partner is a responsible adult, and you should clearly communicate your need for their support. ADHDers are also capable of cooking, paying the bills, doing the laundry, etc. They just need a special approach.
How do you divide responsibilities with an ADHDer?
- Speak openly about your desires and possibilities for both of you. If there’s something taboo that one person cannot do, find a middle ground. Describe your needs and areas of support, and discuss how you can divide the tasks.
- Create a list. Although it might seem petty, it’s important so that your partner with ADHD remembers what they are responsible for. Believe, they’d be grateful for the list.
- Set boundaries. You can support your partner if they struggle, but don’t allow them to overstep certain boundaries. You’re not a caretaker or manager. You can also have bad days and need support yourself.
Write Down Important Things They Say
Dating someone with ADHD means that sometimes your partner may forget what they told you, and then gaslight you, saying it didn’t happen. We’ll never know if it was intentional or not. That’s why plans, recent changes, wishes, all have to be in written form. You’ll be protecting your peace, and your partner will also have additional reminders.
Don’t Be Too Reactive, Communicate Calmly
Due to RSD, any hint of negativity or dissatisfaction causes a storm of emotions that are later hard to regulate. Not to say that you cannot be upset or give advice to your partner. However, you should do this in a very calm setting, using I-statements, especially if you were recently in a fight.
It’s okay to support your partner after fights or when you want to give your input. Here’s how you can start this conversation: “I care about you, but it was hard for me in recent days. That’s why I want to tell you something. I would like us to divide household chores. If we divide them, we’ll have more time to spend together.”
Set Limits around Spontaneous/Risky Decisions
It’s totally okay to spice things up and, once in a while, book a spontaneous romantic trip. However, just making spontaneous decisions wouldn’t be good for the long term. And since ADHDers need those dopamine rushes, spontaneity is part of themselves.
If you don’t like it or see that this impulsivity objectively harms your finances or family, talk to your partner about that. You can appreciate their spontaneity and state your boundaries. For example: “I love how adventurous you are, but I need some notice before we agree to something big.”
Devote Time to Yourself
One tip for dating someone with ADHD is to regularly have “me-time.” The plan is as following:
- Once a day, at least 20-30 minutes for yourself. It can be from gaming to taking a bath to taking a walk alone.
- Once a week, an evening devoted to yourself. Take yourself out on a date, do stuff that you want to do, and your partner doesn’t like to go to the theatre or a museum.
- Once a month, a day for yourself. Spend that day with friends or alone. You can send your partner out of the home, just to be alone and do whatever you like.
Dating someone with ADHD doesn’t mean that your world revolves around them. You are your biggest supporter, and you need rest as well. You can easily combine being a lovable partner, successful employee, good parent/friend, and a realized human.
